


sign of the times

by meowkittykenma (azumarheart)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Illness, One Shot, Romance, Self-Harm, its not too bad i promise-nothing graphic, tsukkiyama-Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 13:01:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10640373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/meowkittykenma
Summary: Not to be dramatic or anything, but Yamaguchi literally wants to kill himself.aka a summary of Yamaguchi's mental health and how he finds support





	

**Author's Note:**

> this entire thing is me projecting onto yamaguchi like crazy. shoutout to my 8th grade math teacher for literally fucking up my life ;)

Not to be dramatic or anything, but Yamaguchi literally wants to kill himself.

It's an omnipresent urge. 

Yamaguchi is 13 when he first shows signs of depression. 

He's put in an honors class in his first year of junior high. After the scores he received on his entrance exam, he was placed in a class with the 'smarter' kids. Yamaguchi is happy and excited, especially since he gets to sit next to Tsukishima. Although the other boy is stoic and sarcastic, Yamaguchi enjoys his presence and considers him to be his best friend.

Math is hard. Yamaguchi realizes this fairly quickly into the school year. He's already in honors, and his class has unluckily been stuck with the scariest teacher possible. The classroom is dead silent with a cold air constantly floating around the room as she explains subjects a little too fast. She calls on students randomly throughout class- makes them go through homework by going down the columns and having students read out their answers. 

There's a sign she's hung in the classroom that stares at Yamaguchi from his seat, 3 rows back. "There is no such thing as a dumb question"

This poster mocks him for the entire school year.

His teacher is mean. She scoffs at those "non-stupid" questions, stares down students like they are complete idiots, and often refuses to help; she simply restates "didn't you read the book? it's literally word for word on page x".

Yamaguchi learns to fear her. He's always been a bit shy, borderline anxious. He likes kind teachers with inviting smiles that make him feel comfortable inquiring when he doesn't quite get it. She is not a kind teacher. Her homework assignments are long and tedious and she expects them to finish them in one night, and correct any wrong answers from homework or quizzes or tests they went over in class. Yamaguchi is smart, but the class begins to beat him.

He begins to get D's and F's on her hard tests. He can't seem to finish the homework no matter how much time he has. She always seems to call on him for homework answers on the one problem he didn't do. He makes excuses and frets and stares at his notebooks and somewhere along the line something goes very, very wrong.

After a while, he spends his time at home napping. He sleeps for 2-3 hours, wakes up to his mother's disappointed sigh, stares at his wall until it is time to sleep. Yamaguchi's mind becomes brainless, he begs Tsukishima for homework, and the other boy begins to look at him with exasperated annoyance more often. Yamaguchi walks to the class with a sickening feeling in his stomach, theorizing how he could just run away from school and escape this hell. 

He doesn't get bad grades. He's been a solid AB student his whole life. His parents ground him, confront him, but he doesn't have answers. His mind twists on him, reroutes his thinking, until it's filled with bad thoughts. 

"You really are stupid. You suck at math. You're such a horrible person, cheating off your best friend. You're lazy. So lazy. So stupid. Just give up."

Yamaguchi manages to pass with a B, somehow. Yamaguchi also manages to develop depression and anxiety in the process.

\----------

Although Yamaguchi has an open and accepting family, he does not share his mental issues with them. By his first year of high school, he self-diagnoses himself with depression and anxiety. What else could explain the frequent numbness, hollowness, suicidal thoughts? Or the shaking, choking, nails-ripping-into-his-own-hands anxiety he constantly felt?

Sometimes he is good, sometimes he is bad. Sometimes he is really bad. Thankfully, those times are typically in the afternoon or night, when he's alone in his room. He's able to cry and shake and stare at walls and wish he was dead in solitude. He can scratch at his skin and the marks will be gone by morning. He can fake happiness throughout the day so that he can let it all out at home.

It's unhealthy, he knows, but he copes.

Yamaguchi is fairly sure that Tsukishima knows something is wrong. He's always been observant, so it's only natural that he can see through the fake grins his best friend lets out. But he doesn't say a thing. His gaze lingers on Yamaguchi for too long, but other than that, he leaves him to his thoughts. 

Logically, Yamaguchi knows it's a mixture of Tsukishima not knowing how to comfort and how well he hides the severity of his mental state. His mental illnesses, however, tend to convince him that it's that Tsukishima doesn't care because who would care about Yamaguchi he's stupid and boring and horrible and should just die and etc and etc. Overthinking is hard to overcome. 

He keeps his fake smile and pretends like things are okay.

\---------

On bad days, he fakes smiles. He feels cold inside and like he's at the surface, not quite drowning but close. Usually these feelings are ridden away by Hinata dragging him to practice, or a cheer from Yachi when he hits his precise serve, or a heavy hand on his shoulder from Daichi, matched with a sparkly-eyed small-smiled 'good job'. He might have some real smiles during these times.

One very bad days, it's.... well, bad. These only start in high school, and thankfully only have happened on days when there is no school. Yamaguchi is unlucky because of his mental illnesses, but this stroke of luck is a blessing. He doesn't need to explain to his friends why he looks like a hollow shell and is unable to function. 

Of course, luck can't last forever.

It's a Tuesday when he wakes up feeling BAD. Anxiety is rushing through his system, telling him to quit, to go back to sleep. His depression lays thick in his chest, making him feel like he's being pressed deep underwater, pressure around his head and body and oh no. 'This is bad this is bad' Yamaguchi thinks. His face sits impassive and he stares at his wall, mind blank, until his mother comes in. 

"Tadashi, you need to get ready c'mon. You're going to be late and I can't drive you today I need to leave right now. I'll see you late tonight, I've got a meeting at 11. Love you, have a good day!" His mother speaks fast while she rummages through her purse looking for her keys. She glances up for two seconds to smile, before running out the door and driving away. 

Yamaguchi feels sluggish as he stands up. His body feels heavy, he doesn't want to go to school, he wants to stay home, he wants to die. He can't stop the thoughts. He gets dressed on autopilot, walks to school without a coherent thought. His head is filled with water, self-hating words splashing around and deteriorating his mental state. 

He forgets to meet up with Tsukishima. The blonde hair boy stands by their 'meet-up spot' (a tree near the building of their classroom) and stares confused as his best friend walks slowly to the building, eyes fixated on the ground, looking scarily out of it. Tsukishima worries and follows him into their class, eyes trailing over every motion the other boy is making. Yamaguchi slides into his seat, lowering his head immediately into his crossed arms on top of his desk. It's subtle but Tsukishima is able to see that he's digging his nails into his arms, and that his forehead is crinkled in a way that means his face is scrunched up. 

He's about to walk over and say something, but the teacher walks in and he's sat 3 desks in front of Yamaguchi. Later then.

\----------

Tsukishima has a plan. It's not super complex, it's simply that he needs to catch Yamaguchi before he leaves the room for lunch. He's sure that Yamaguchi will try to isolate himself, and he needs to be fast in order to corral him somewhere else and ask him what is wrong. The teacher dismisses them, and before Tsukishima can shoot out of his seat, a group of girls surrounds him and begin to fawn. It's difficult, but he manages to push past them, but Yamaguchi is already gone. Tsukishima sighs and steels himself. He'll ask during practice. 

\--------

Yamaguchi doesn't want to interact with anyone. He wants to lay in bed and sleep and rot and die. But instead, he's at school. At lunch break, he rushes out of the classroom as fast as his stiff joints allow. He books it go behind the gymnasium, where there are trees to sit under. No one goes there, in fear of the dense mini forest that lies behind. Yamaguchi is alone there. He sits with his back to a tree and bows his head, exhaling shakily. He feels like he's breathing out smog from his lungs, but his insides don't feel any lighter.

He holds his hands at thigh level, while his knees are pulled up near his chest. Thoughts of how he can't feel filter through his head. 'Am I real? I feel so numb, so hollow. Can I feel?' 

So he does what he knows best, he scratches himself. Usually he leaves long lines of burning red marks down his forearms, but he is aware that there is practice later and everyone will see. A bright idea pops in his head. 'What if I just scratch a small area on my hand and cover it with a band-aid?' He looks at the backside of his left hand, and chooses a spot right under the knuckle of his thumb. Minutes pass and he looks down to see that he's torn skin and that small area looks raw and it won't stop stinging and it's just what he needed. 

He pulls out a blue band-aid (he always keeps one in his pocket because he's so damn clumsy) and he lays it over the open wound. Before he heads back to class he realizes that he can press on it and just... feel. He pays no attention to his best friends gaze on his hand when he sits back down for the rest of the day. 

\----------

Practice is something Yamaguchi is dreading. He spends way too long in the bathroom when school is over, staring at himself in the mirror above the sink inside the handicap stall. He drags his nails over his scalp and sits on the closed lid of the toilet and wishes that he didn't exist. But he has obligations. After spending a good 15 minutes alone in the empty bathroom, he decides to head to practice.

'No one pays attention to you during practice anyways. It's not like you're beneficial to the team in any way. You just cost the team more with your reckless shots and shitty receives. You're the only first year that's not a regular, how pathetic.'

It feels like tingles sometimes, goosebumps rising across his skin as his body quivers from the sickening force of his thoughts.

When he arrives to the club room to change, it's empty. Yamaguchi changes lethargically, before sitting on the bench with his head in his hands and just breathes. There's no way he can fake happiness today and if someone asks if he's okay he's not sure he'll be able to lie. Finally he sucks it up and heads to the gym, where he can already hear sneakers squeaking and balls bouncing. 

"Hey Yamaguchi," someone says. He nods without knowing who spoke, and presses into his band-aid to ground himself. Daichi is quick to spot him and walks over. "Is there a reason for why you were late?" the captain inquires. Daichi knows that he's a fairly punctual person, so he's surprised when Yamaguchi shakes his head 'no', eyes fixated on the wall next to them. "A-ah well you know what an unexcused tardiness means." Everyone who comes late without an excuse has to run a lap per every two minutes they are late to practice. Daichi doesn't want to be hard on the kid, especially with that dead look in his eyes, but he's got to establish authority. Yamaguchi just nods, and speaks his first words of the day, a quiet "Yes captain," and starts his first lap.

Daichi stares worriedly as the team continues on with drills. He pulls his vice captain aside. "Suga... I need you to keep an eye out for Yamaguchi. Something up with him but I don't know what." Suga furrows his brows in confusion. "What do you mean Daichi?" 

"He's got this... dead look in his eyes. He was barely responsive when I was talking to him and he was late. He's never late. I'm worried. Please tell me if you see anything weird with him okay?" Suga glances over to the running boy and nods. Yamaguchi doesn't notice them staring, and doesn't notice his blonde best friend watching him either. 

\--------

At the end of his 11 laps, Yamaguchi plops down on the bench to drink some water, right before the team takes a break. Hinata bounces over, sunshine bright as ever, and stands in front of him. "Yo Yamaguchi why were you late? You're like, never late!" Hinata lets out a laugh, expecting a sheepish smile in return. Suga and Tsukishima keep their eyes trained on him reaction. Yamaguchi presses hard into the wound on his hand, and stares at the floor in the distance. "Uhm... No reason," he manages to mutter out, before standing and moving to the isolated side of the bench. Hinata joins Suga and Tsukishima's worried stares as his fingers dig harder into his hand and his eyes become more hollow if possible. 

Suga decides to take matters into his own hands. "Yamaguchi," he calls out from his position near the door. The younger boy looks over, face impassive. "Could you please come outside with me for a minute?" Yamaguchi nods and heads towards the doors that Suga is already walking out of.

His chest begins to wind up with anxiety as it typically does, but something with his depression overrides and he's left still hollow. Suga leads them to a bench outside and they both sit, Yamaguchi's eyes trained on his lap. The white haired boy clears his throat, "Hey Yamaguchi could you please look at me?" Suga speaks gently, as he doesn't want to scare the boy away from opening up at all. With blank eyes, he raises his gaze and just stares. Suga takes the younger boy's right hand in his own and starts.

"It's alright if you don't want to talk, but I'm worried about you. I don't think I really need to explain why. Are you okay? I want to help you if I can. Can you maybe just tell me how you're feeling and why you keep touching that band-aid on your hand?" It's a lot for Yamaguchi to process. His usually strict filter is off, and he can't find a reason not to explain what he's feeling. Maybe explaining would make him feel better even? 

"I... I think I'm depressed." He speaks softly, but Suga can hear just fine. "Sometimes there are good days and sometimes bad days and sometimes... there are very bad days. It's a very bad day." His voice trails off at the end. "I feel so hollow like I feel nothing and like I can't breathe and it's just a lot and nothing all at once." With each word, he feels lighter, but not enough to make it just a bad day. 

Suga, with concern and hurt in his chest, pulls the other boy into a tight hug. He's experienced his own sadness and he knows how important comfort is. He lets one hand rub gentle circles into the first-year's back, the other one gripping him firmly. Stuttered breathing is let out into his shoulder, and the body relaxes against him. "I'm so sorry Yamaguchi. You should have told us earlier, you're in no shape to be forcing yourself to practice and socialize. I promise you that everything will be alright, okay? I know exactly how you feel, I've been through these types of days before. Please talk to me whenever this happens, I'm always willing to listen." Yamaguchi nods and pulls away, wiping barely-there tears from his eyes.

It's then that Suga remembers the bandaid. He grabs his left hand gently and pulls one end off before Yamaguchi can pull away. "What's this? Did you do this to yourself?" Suga breathes out, before smoothing the blue strip back into place. "Yeah. I know it's bad but... it feels like it's grounding me," Yamaguchi mumbles out. Suga sighs and lightly tugs a strand of his hair. "No more of that kid. That could get way out of hand real fast. You need to learn better ways to cope. But for now, let's get you on home okay?" 

Yamaguchi nods before he remembers that he'll be home alone until very late. "Maybe I could... stay just a bit longer?" he asks nervously. He liked the comfort of Suga, he doesn't think he should be alone quite yet. Suga seems to know what he's thinking and sighs. "How about I send Tsukishima home with you? Does he know that you're..." The older boy trails off, not wanting to overstep.

"No he doesn't, but I guess... now's a good a time as any to tell him..." 

Suga nods and asks him to change and wait in the club room until he came back with Tsukishima. The vice captain huffs out a breath before heading inside. 

\--------

"Daichi!" Suga calls as soon as he's in the gym. All heads turn towards him, and he notes how Tsukishima looks the most eager to hear what he's saying. Daichi sets them off on a drill and jogs over to his friend. 

"What's up with Yamaguchi, I saw you take him outside?" Suga leans in to whisper his new-found knowledge. 

"Daichi I think he's got depression. And he said that today is a very bad day and that he feels super hollow. I think I comforted him well, but when I told him to head on home, he seemed like he'd prefer to stay. I assumed it's just cause he doesn't want to be alone so I think we should send Tsukishima with him. They are best friends after all. Tsukishima doesn't know he's got a mental illness apparently, but he's going to tell him today." 

Daichi looked appalled at the information. He agreed to let Tsukishima go, and called him over as well. Suga led him outside in a similar fashion to the way he did with Yamaguchi. 

"Suga-san... Is Yamaguchi okay? He's been off all day and I'm... worried." Suga knew how hard it must be for Tsukishima to open up about his emotions like that, so he sent him a gentle smile. 

"It's best if he tells you himself. I want you to take him home and don't leave him alone. Stay with him and listen to what he says and how he feels and comfort him okay?" Tsukishima looked confused, but nodded and headed up to change as well. 

When the blonde hair boy entered the club room, he found Yamaguchi sitting against the wall, knees pulled to his chest and staring at his legs in silence. He was changed and ready to go, stuck up in the droning thoughts echoing in his head. Tsukishima didn't speak as he changed as well and grabbed both of their school bags. They both had dressed in casual clothing, not bothering to redress in their school outfits.

"Tadashi."

Yamaguchi's head rose slowly, to see his best friend's hand in his face. He gently set his hand in the other's, and was quickly pulled into a standing position. "Let's go home Tadashi." Tsukishima's voice was a constant that kept Yamaguchi afloat in the mess of his mind. The walk home was a silent one, save for the quiet 'I'm home' and 'pardon the intrusion' muttered from the boys' mouths. 

"Mom won't be home until past 11," Yamaguchi mumbled out, walking into his room with Tsukishima trailing behind. He headed towards his bed, but before he could reach it, long arms wrapped around his waist, and he was pressed onto the blonde's front. Yamaguchi tensed, before relaxing into the touch, responding by turning around and gripping his best friend tightly. 

"Tadashi... please tell me what's wrong... I'm worried about you." The words were quiet and raw, a soft tone that was unexpected of the usually brash and sarcastic Tsukishima. 

Yamaguchi couldn't stop the choking feeling in his chest that rose. He let out a rough sob, body quaking, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. They continued, loud and ugly sobs, until the front of Tsukishima's shirt was wet and Yamaguchi's head was throbbing. The taller boy stood in shock, gripping his best friend tight to himself, until the outburst calmed. Yamaguchi began to pull back, and Tsukishima quickly snatched some tissues so he could blow his nose. After the freckled boy cleared his face for the most part, Tsukishima led him by the arm so they could lay together in bed. 

Tsukishima laid on his side, arm bent by his head, while Yamaguchi laid opposite. They held each other chest to chest, a position they had grown accustomed to over the years. "Tadashi" the blonde whispered out, running one hand softly over Yamaguchi's hair, while the other wiped excess tears from his eyes. Yamaguchi huffed out a breath, before clenching his fist tight, nails digging into his palm. A rush of anxiety sparked in his chest, sending his neck and ears tingling unpleasantly, while his throat constricted. 

"W-well..." he started, before clearing his throat again. "I think I'm depressed. Well, I mean, not really think, I'm pretty sure I am. Some days it's just too much and I hate myself so much and my mind just shuts down and I go blank, like I just can't handle anything. And I think I've got anxiety too and it hurts and when both of them hit I literally can't function." He paused to rub at his sore eyes and clear his throat again. 

"I'm sorry I never told you Kei, I just didn't want to burden you..." The last words came out as a whisper, as Yamaguchi pulled himself closer to his friend. Tsukishima lifted the freckled boy's head so he could look him in the eyes. 

"Tadashi. You have never been and will never be a burden. Especially not for me. Thank you for telling me, and I'm sorry for never asking you if you were okay. Please talk to me when you feel down, I don't want you to hurt. I love you too much."

The last words slipped out, and Tsukishima found himself with his eyes wide. 

"S-shit, I mean, uhm..." he stuttered out, so unlike himself. Yamaguchi's heart soared. He softly whispered the blonde boy's name. Before either of them could really comprehend what was happening, their lips met in a gentle kiss. They separated, eyes wide, minds reeling at what had just happened.

"I like you a lot Tadashi," Tsukishima whispered, breaking the silence between them. 

"I like you too Kei. But I'm so fucked up, why would you want to deal with me, I mean I'm just-" Yamaguchi's spiraling was cut off with another chaste kiss. His head was dizzy from emotions, and he blinked heavily to try and get a grasp.

"Tadashi, I love you, flaws and all. Please, never doubt that."

Yamaguchi felt the tears well in his eyes, and he leaned forwards to press his forehead against the other's. 

"I love you too."

\--------

Yamaguchi's depression and anxiety did not disappear. He didn't expect them to, simply because he had a boyfriend. However, having someone there to hold him through the bad patches made it a bit easier. 

Love doesn't heal all, but it does its best.

**Author's Note:**

> it's done!! i've been working on this for almost a year! the ending drove me crazy i had to put this down so many times! 
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated :)


End file.
